Friends

December 23rd, 2009

07:51 pm - thirty-four
thirty-four.
# of words is unknown
and One Day You'll get There (that day is not Today).

She wants to scream at them. She wants to run into the living room, stand in front of the television, and make them notice her.

"Notice me," she wants to say (shout, scream, plead, cry). "Look at me; help me-" she wants to add in self defense, because they're staring at her like she's crazy. She wants to let them know, to shatter this facade they've created of her and to burn their naivety. She wants to rattle off facts she knows, to make her feelings more real to them.

"Don't brush me off," she wants to whisper, because she knows how many ounces of mouthwash can kill a person, how many seconds (and minutes and hours, because she's done the calculations before, over and over in her head and in her diary and on the shower walls with her index finger while the water is running) a person can wait before he or she suffocates due to inhalation of carbon monoxide, and how to cut herself without anyone ever knowing (because unnies don't need to know everything, even if they think they do).

Instead, she waits until she hears them laugh ('Cue the laugh track,' she thinks bitterly and grins to herself) before stepping out, a hand rubbing at the skin just below her right eye and a yawn escaping her (because she's an actress at heart and this way, no one will ever know-). Jessica notices her first, walking to her from her position leaning against the wall.

"Seohyun," she greets with a smile and a soft caress to her cheek. Seohyun sees it - the flicker of something more than concern and the millisecond when Jessica's smile drops. Then, as quickly as it came, it disappears. "You're tired, huh, Seohyun?" she says and gives an affectionate smile.

She ruffles Seohyun's hair and steps away, escapes. Jessica was always a bad liar. It's then when Seohyun realizes that it's not just her fault. It's just her problem. She thinks then that she's selfish, and miserable, and waste of the lowest state. It's not that they don't notice her behavior - they do, certainly - but that they cannot do anything to help her. Each member has her own demons.

Seohyun smiles ('It makes sense now,' she thinks, and feels better) before going back to her room and climbing under the covers. 'Sixty seconds in a minute,' she starts, staring at the red of the analog clock on her bedside table, and continues until she sees no more.

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